it never rains...it pours!!

I have missed y’all...what a month it’s been! So much to talk about...I was thinking last night about the statement it never rains, it pours!! When things seem to go bad, they just seem to all go bad at the same time. It is so easy at this time to feel like the world is against you or that luck is against you or that you are doomed to fail or that the Lord has forsaken you and a whole lot of other unpleasant feelings that may arise when you are going through a hard time. It may help to look at things from a different perspective when all hell seems to be breaking loose.

Do not look at a series of bad events as if they are joint events... yes I did just pull up some probability phrases...LOL!...how I miss maths!! Anyway do not link up all bad events as if they are related because this will definitely make you feel like a victim. For example, say you are struggling to get a job, you are constantly broke, your mother falls sick, a close friend doesn’t come through when you need them the most, and your car breaks down all in a short space of time. Now here is what the normal human mind will think...”Oh my God my life is falling apart, I’m unemployed which means I’m constantly broke and now my mom is ill and my friends are not there when I need them the most and now from nowhere my car breaks down and I have to pay for it to get fixed such unexpected expenses, I have such bad luck and nothing I try seems to be working”. This will usually make it hard for you to get out of bed and try again. Instead look at every unfortunate event as just that an independent unfortunate event and deal with it as such. The fact that your girlfriend is cheating doesn’t make your car break down; do not look at these as if they depend on each other. Learn to deal with each situation without getting emotional about everything else that may not be going well in your life. This will help you to not have an emotional breakdown.

Now I realise that the point I just made is very difficult to put to practise because it is natural to feel overwhelmed. It takes effort to think positively. I suggest you get into the habit of seeing the silver lining in every dark cloud. A good friend of mine always asks me what the silver lining is when i am going through a tough time. She encourages me to look at what is right with the picture no matter how small. Try it; it really helps to keep you focused.

Self pity easily arises when one is stressed. You look at yourself and think my word how is one person supposed to handle all these issues and you start to feel sorry for yourself. Emotions are great and we need them but sometimes if we do not keep them in check they can make situations worse than they are. They can easily take you from being in control of a situation to a situation being in control of you so you need to watch out. The fact that someone isn’t there for you doesn’t mean that you are not good enough, it means that that person has a problem, the fact that your car broke down doesn’t mean you are not blessed, it means that cars are gadgets and sometimes their parts fall apart.

Praise silences the enemy. I remember a priest who preached to us a sometime ago said that we should always praise the Lord in all situations especially when we do not feel like it. When you praise God especially in difficult situations you silence the enemy who is there to make you feel like you are not good enough, like things will never work out for you, like you are a failure, like you are forsaken...praise is a declaration of your faith, it is an exaltation of God, it is worship. The Lord loves you that is a fact, He works all things for the good of those He loves, that’s a fact...challenges will be there that’s a fact but it does not mean that the Lord will not be with you or that He will forsake you.

Hang in there a little while longer, things will begin to look up you will see!

Be Blessed

with love...tafie

change - so difficult

Getting to realise that you need to change the way you do certain things is never really the difficult part. It’s putting this change into practice that is the hard part. I don’t know about you but I sometimes feel like change is just so hard to achieve. Sometimes you try and try to make it but it seems like all your efforts are going to waste and more often than not you feel like you running around in circles and always find yourself back at square one. The hardest thing to grasp though is that you usually get to a place in your life where you want to see change after you have been motivated by something be it a motivational speech, or a powerful sermon at church or a friend who has just told you the most inspiring story ever and you tell yourself you know what I can change this aspect of my life and I can make a change for the better in character, or the way I look at things or my dreams...you name it. For the first couple of weeks you are feeling like you on top of the world and are pumped for change only to find that after a couple of weeks when nothing seems to be going right you start to feel defeated. Sometimes things get even worse than before and you just say to yourself man this is not working, this is hard, this is going nowhere, maybe I should quit, who am I fooling I could never pull this off!

I just want to encourage you today that you can make it. You can overcome. You need to keep your head up and try even harder. Here are some things that you need to shake off if you wanna see change:

1. A big part of the problem is that we sometimes set goals that are so high that we are bound to fail. Then when we fail we feel so bad that we don’t actually see the tremendous progress we have made. Let’s look at a simple example for illustrative purposes, say you have committed to reducing the amount of retail therapy you give yourself because you feel that it has gotten out of hand. So say you used to buy a pair of shoes every week and then you decide that you won’t buy any in 3months...wow that’s a very ambitious goal...but anyway say you do well for a month then in the 2^nd month you happen to buy a pair of shoes because you just couldn’t help it. Then you get home and you feel like you are such a failure, that you just can’t do anything right and you feel so guilty for the next thousand years. Instead of beating yourself up about it look at the progress you have made. You used to shop every week but now you don’t. You have been disciplined for a whole month and you ought to be proud of that and let that inspire you to keep doing better.

2. Don’t compare your scorecard to other people’s scorecards: You are not somebody else; you don’t know for sure what other people are going through or what sort of issues they are dealing with. You may have an idea maybe because they are your friends but they are not you. If God wanted us all to be the same He would have made one person. Comparing yourself to other people is a sure way to get discouraged and feel like you have not made any progress. Set your own goals and be proud that you are doing something about them. It’s great to speak to others about how they are doing for inspiration but if you keep obsessing about it then you stunt your own growth.

3. Change is not easy: You can’t wish to change today and expect that next week you will be on top of your game. Change is a process, it is not easy. It is an everyday commitment. You gotta tell yourself everyday that you are going to stay on track because sometimes it’s just easier to get back to old habits because they are familiar. The only difference between those who make it and those who don’t is that those who make it tell themselves everyday that they will try again. If you get down, dust yourself off and try again.

4. Sometimes it’s hard to change because no one may believe you, or because you keep hanging around the same people and you cannot see yourself growing in the direction in which you hope to. They haven’t had the same realisations that you have had so of course they don’t understand this new you. Depending on what sort of change you are looking at, it may be necessary to tell those around you that look you may not understand what I am doing but this is important for me and I will do so much better if you guys are behind me supporting me. In other cases it is necessary to distance yourself from the things that are not good for you. You need not be afraid of evolving into the person you are meant to be and to do that sometimes you need to load shed...hahaha that means you need to leave behind things or people that get in the way of your progress.

5. And finally, be patient. Good things come to those who wait. Just because you can’t see the results of your hard work today doesn’t mean that they will never come. Keep on trying and one day you will see all you have worked hard for manifest in your life.

Be Blessed,

Be the change you want to see

with love...tafie

keep the fire burning

This past weekend I went on a little information hunt from a couple of friends, some of which are amazing couples themselves, on what to do when you have been in a relationship for a little while and the honey moon phase has passed. You love the other person and that’s where you wanna be, you have no doubt about that but things have just become routine, the arguments are creeping in and no one seems to be trying anymore. Here are some things to consider to help you keep the fire burning.

Don’t take each other for granted: The first thing that one of the guys said that caught my attention because I felt it really set the tone for everything is that you should never take your partner for granted. I took the liberty to look up what take for granted really means and it stated - to not show that you are grateful to someone for helping you or that you are happy they are with you, often because they have helped you or been with you so often. It is human to get comfortable and know that those who love you will always be there and so you may stop showing them that you really care. Don’t get into that habit, always appreciate who you have.

Don’t be selfish: the reason why we sometimes take people for granted is because we always think of ourselves first. It’s very easy to be selfish, Don't always look at what you should be getting out of a relationship as opposed to what you can give. You have to fight selfishness. It doesn’t go away on its own, make the effort to stop it. Be a positive role model yourself because people do as you do...if you are a giver, you can inspire someone else to act like you do.

Always seek to understand your partner: Sometimes we don’t understand why people act in a particular way. Just because your partner did something different doesn’t mean that it is wrong. We are individuals which means we are going to differ in certain things. Instead of shutting them down and claiming they should do things your way, ask them how they see the situation or how they think a particular problem can be solved. It is not always about you. Learn to be there for someone else.

Be interested: Have a real interest in the things that your partner does. It is all part and parcel of knowing each other better. I’ll use a simple example, just because you do not like soccer does not mean that he doesn’t have to watch it. Maybe you do not like it because you don’t understand it. The next time your man wants to watch the game, try watch it together, have him explain to you what will be happening, and say he supports Arsenal (which is like the best team ever!!!), maybe try support Liverpool so that you can joke around about how the other team is whack and how your team is the best. You may discover that it is so much fun. The same goes for many other things, be keen and make an effort to understand the things that your partner is into.

Don’t sweat the small stuff: Don’t make a big deal out of small things. Is it really necessary that you warm the milk before you put in the cereal, or you put the cold milk and cereal then microwave that together – who cares, the result is the same. If an issue is not worth stressing about, don’t stress it. Make light of small things. Let your partner be even in little things. If she likes to colour coordinate your closet, it is not a big deal, let her do it. If he likes to get the car washed at SpotyWash instead of the garage down the road...let him.

Reciprocate the good: If your partner is good at say...making you laugh when you are really stressed so that you feel better, do the same for them. Now you don’t have to tell a joke because maybe you are not funny hahahaha just playing, but you get what I mean. Do something that will make them feel good about themselves.

Break routine: Have days in the week that you do something different and take turns to pick what it is. Pick a new restaurant to check out, try make a different type of food. Go dancing, go fishing...and and and...whatever you works for you. Because it’s human to get bored after doing the same sort of things for a while, make changes or try something new so that you can keep things interesting.

Love - the verb: It’s not every day that you feel on top of the world, sometimes you have a bad day or are in a bad mood. That is no excuse to be rude, or mean to your partner. You have to make a conscious effort to snap out of that. When you feel like that, love your partner. By this I mean love the verb and not the noun, so affirm your partner, complement them, make them dinner, run them a bath, and all those good things; the more you show acts of love, the more you actually love.

Speak well of your partner: Say something great about them. People always wait for special occasions to say good things about others....or at someone’s funeral - they suddenly have all these nice things to say about them. Don’t be like that. When there is an opportunity to say something good about someone, take it right there and then. Always say something your partner does well not just to your friends but tell it to them. For example say to them, I really admire the way you work hard at what you do, you are so intelligent and patient, you are so diligent and that inspires me, you always look so good, you have such integrity, you gave such an amazing speech I was just sitting in the crowd feeling so proud and saying that’s my man people that’s my man..... the list is endless. There is no better way to encourage someone than to tell them in person what their strengths are.

Support and let your partner be: Don’t suppress each other’s destiny/dreams. Encourage each other to come into your full potential. Support each other in the things you do together and separately. There is no better feeling when you are trying to achieve certain goals than to know that those you love the most are behind you and think the world of you. Your best friend can encourage you, people from work can tell say you got what it takes to do anything but there is just something about your significant other telling you that you can make it and that they are behind you all the way. That just really gets you inspired to make your dreams come true. So be that for your partner.

Count your blessings and pray: Count your blessings especially when you feel like complaining. Realize what you have and appreciate it. Pray always. We often pray for jobs and financial break throughs but we sometimes neglect to pray for our relationships yet they affect most of the things we do. Pray always that God goes before you in everything you do and in challenges you face. Pray that your relationship and your partner will be blessed.

Be Blessed

with love...tafie