it's all in the mind

I am a big fan of tennis and so lately I am glued to the TV watching the Australian Open. Sometimes the matches are so close that it seems unfair to have a winner especially in those games where both players strike until someone errs. At times like that I wonder if the game was won because of skill or just luck. The other day I was watching an exhilarating match between two of the top ten players and as the game progressed I realized that above skill, above talent, winning is all in the mind. What made me say that?

To be a tennis player seeded in the top ten naturally means you have a lot of talent. It means you are fierce on the court. The game I was watching was between the number 3 and number 6 seed. The match was won by the 3^rd seed. He proved to be the better player but it did not come easy. He worked for it because his opponent was very tough to beat. In fact the opponent had the winner doing most of the running around. Both players are without doubt really skilled at the game and they came up with amazing shots. The loser had so many opportunities to win, he was in the lead most of the time but every time he had a chance to play a winning shot, he didn’t make it. Interestingly when he was down a point he would pull his best tennis and level with the winner. I realized that this player was more than capable of winning this game. He was good, really good, he gave the eventual winner a run for his money but he lacked the mental strength to win this match. What was funny was that you could see from his face whether his next shot would be a winning one or not. So he did have moments in the game where he believed he could make it and in those moments he soared but when he got discouraged his game also went down.

There is nothing like watching live sports that makes you realize that mental strength plays a huge role in success because if you want to win, you have no time to waste on negative thinking. Think of all the world’s greatest sports players, Serena Williams, Roger Federer, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods etc.

They constantly speak of how during a match, they play one point at a time and just keep telling themselves that they can do it and eventually they succeed. They have the skill but it is not enough when trying to win world competitions. They have to believe in themselves and in their abilities to succeed. To keep herself mentally strong, you often see Serena Williams reading encouraging material during match breaks. Her focus is amazing. She can be many points down and then

suddenly she tells herself, “I can win this game” and once she decides that, she usually does turn the match around and wins. This is all because she not only plays the game physically but mentally too.

You can be the most talented person on earth but if you don’t believe it you will not see the fruits of that talent. I am sure most of you have heard some people say they lost the battle before it even begun. Meaning they did not believe they could make it and so naturally they did not. It is important to believe in yourself. It is important to speak positivity into your life. It is important to be mentally strong. To be mentally prepared to not give up when going through a challenge, or when working on your business, or going for an interview or doing whatever it is you wish to accomplish. To be victorious you have to win that victory in your mind first and then the actions that ensure success will follow.

It is not that successful people don’t face challenges. They do. Difficult ones too but what makes them overcome is the fact that in the face of fear they choose to be courageous. You will have that voice telling you, “You cannot do it, it’s impossible”, choose not to believe it. Instead tell yourself, “Although I am afraid, I am going to keep going. Even if I have no idea how this will turn out, I will believe that I can make it”.

Positive thinking just doesn’t happen overnight. For some sad reason, as humans we tend to think the worst of ourselves. That comes more naturally to most of us than to think of how magnificent and amazing we are. To break that negative pattern of thinking you have to make a conscious decision to be a positive thinker. You will have to do certain things to train your mind to see the possibilities and opportunities instead of focusing on only the negative. If you do this enough times, positive thinking will become second nature just like how currently negative thinking is second nature to most of us.

How can you turn from being a negative into a positive thinker?

1. Unlearn some lessons: growing up we learn many things from family, friends and communities we live in. Though many of these lessons help us to the best we can be, some of them are just not true and to enable positive thinking, you will have to unlearn those lessons and replace them with new ones which are true. Yes you belong to a group of friends or a particular family, and you come from a certain community or country, you are of a certain race but do not use that as an excuse to let fear control you. Don’t hide behind that, come out and let your light shine. We are all capable of achieving our dreams regardless of family history or geographical location, there is much more to life than that. Break free! Let’s look at examples of things you may need to unlearn:

a. It’s not in my blood to do that: Many times you will hear people say, “Oh that would never be possible. We __________s (insert your surname here) are not gifted at that”. Examples include “my family is not a business type family; we just don’t run businesses so I couldn’t possibly be successful at that”.

b. It never rains it pours: This is just one of those statements that bring about problem after problem because we often choose to look at bad events as mutually exclusive instead of independent events and we end up saying, “things never work out for me because problems always come to me in their multiples”. Yet if we would look at each challenge as it arises we would be in a better position to overcome it without feeling overwhelmed.

c. Money never stays: When it comes to money, we want it but we don’t. B

y this I mean many of us want to get more money but we don’t ask for it because we think it is evil to want to have money. So naturally the money we get never lasts because we are confused about how we feel about having money. If you would like to get more money, be honest about it and opportunities that align you with the potential to earn more money will come to you. Tell yourself, money grows on trees and you will be surprised what you will find.

d. Good things never last: Actually they do last. Many times they get better and better but we don’t believe it, how then can we receive it?

e. It’s too good to be true: If you do not believe that you can receive good things then you cannot possibly see amazing possibilities that surround you more often than you think. Try telling yourself, “It is too good and YES it is true”.

2. Learn to silence your inner hater: We are our own biggest enemies. Have you ever realized that most of the time those around us see how talented we are yet we can’t see it. We say, “Oh I don’t know; maybe; I don’t think so; I’m not that good”. When you see thoughts of negativity arising in you, choose a higher thought that you are more than capable.

3. Believe it, it’s true: If you have believed for something and it happens, accept it. It is amazing yes but believe it. We all come from different backgrounds and many of us have overcome unbelievable challenges and hoped for a better day. When the better day comes, believe it is for you. Embrace and enjoy it. Because what will happen when we don’t embrace the success we have is we will think it was not meant to be, we will think it was just random luck and so we become blind to any opportunities that will arise from then onwards. I recently realized I was doing that, sabotaging my own opportunities because I could not believe in the first instance that I am truly being blessed. Many things that happen to us are not by chance, it is because we are really getting opportunities which are specifically ours. Don’t ruin that by thinking it is just random. You are amazing. You can achieve unbelievable things in your life if you choose to.

4. Actively choose positivity: it is amazing the stuff we feed our minds with that affect our way of thinking. Decide which information you will entertain and which you will not. If you want to be a positive thinker you have to look into how other like minded people do it. You can read books on the subject, blogs, websites, listen to programs and music that speaks about positivity. Choose to be around people who encourage you to be positive. Positivity/Negativity can be contagious, choose which team you want to hang around; the nay-sayers that weigh you down or the ones that believe in bringing out the best in you.

Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t shut the door on your opportunities by thinking negatively. You are blessed beyond measure. Believe it and you can achieve it.

It really is all in the mind.

Be Blessed,

with love…tafie

no more drama

Many of you have heard of the word drama and you probably know someone who loves it. I like to call this kind of person a “drama mama” other popular phrases include ‘drama queen’, or ‘drama daddy’. Usually they are exciting people when all is going well but you would not want to be caught on their wrong side should there be a problem because they will take you down. Contrary to popular belief, drama actually exists in a lot of people and many of us are unaware that we create a lot of it.

Drama is your ego trying to take you over by looking at a scenario as a win or lose situation. It is your ego saying you should always win. Or your ego telling you no one can speak to you like that. Have you ever heard people say, “oh I don’t know what happened, something just took over me and I just started shouting at that person. It felt like an out of body experience”. That right there is what drama is. Being totally taken over by your feelings or thoughts that you are no longer in control of them but they are in total control of you in a situation. Two things happen when this kind of scenario arises, you will either act, or you will not act. Drama is not always manifested as an outward action, or spoken words. In fact many times drama is manifested in silence or in withdrawal. Let’s explore some of the ways in which drama manifests.

1. Overreacting and inappropriate speech: This is the most common outlet for drama. Taking offense in a particular situation and escalating it by either demanding explanations or having a verbal argument or insulting other people.
2. Gossip: people tend to not address an issue head on, they tend to go through other people to say their views. This has destroyed so many relationships of all kinds across the world. The truth then gets lost somewhere in translation and what results is a lot of pain and misunderstandings.
3. Silent treatment: Women are known to be very good at this kind of drama. When someone does something they consider “bad” instead of tallking about the issue, some decide to just keep quiet. What will really be happening at this time is that even though they do not say anything, their emotions are actually in control of them telling them to not say anything because that will get the other person wondering what to do next. It is actually a mind game. There is usually a lot of tension associated with this scenario because out of fear people tend to walk on egg shells around the angered party.
4. Self pity: feeling sorry for oneself is also another drama outlet. When people go through a difficult time, they tend to feel sorry for themselves. How often do you hear people tell you how sad a time they are facing, how they can’t even cope anymore because of the grievances caused to them by their boss, or parent, or friend, or partner, or children or workmate, or the past or the future.
5. Shrinking back/ withdrawing: When people go through pain, at times they shrink back into a shell. Naturally they could be of a lively personality but challenges will have them withdrawing from others. This again is the ego saying, maybe I will be noticed better if I just stay in the background and try to be invisible.

The ego is responsible for a lot of the drama we experience and it will disguise itself in whichever way is best. Drama robs us of a chance to show who we really are. In all instances, it does not leave us feeling good. Even if you get your way, you have this unsettling feeling that says, ‘it didn’t have to happen like that. That was not how you wanted to present yourself. You didn’t mean it like that, it was not the genuine you’. Drama is a waste of energy and it resides in fear and anything that is done out of fear misrepresents who we really are. Drama stops the real you from showing up in a given situation. It is like someone else is driving your car in the wrong direction and you are just a passenger.

Now that you know drama manifests in many different ways, most of which are unexpected, how then do you overcome it? Here's how you can start to dial down the craziness in your life and start to present yourself in the way you mean to:

1. The best way to overcome drama is to be conscious of the emotions that are rising within you. You can only be conscious if you are totally present in each moment as you go through life (see previous blog on how to be present). I am sure you have heard many people say ‘I felt anger rising inside of me’. Let’s analyze this sentence. ‘I’ is the real you and you can see every thought, or every emotion that rises within you. Which means that you have total control and you can choose to either let that anger keep rising, or you can decide not to be angry. The same goes for drawing back, “I just thought maybe I wasn’t good enough so I didn’t want to bother them and decided to just stay back. You can see this thought rising within you and therefore you have a choice to either shrink back or to just say look I am not going to fear, I am going to be myself.

2. True communication resolves drama. Talk about it with the person that is affecting you. Not in a ‘oh I am going to bring that person down’ sort of way but in a mature ‘I have a problem and we need to see how we can move forward’ way. Don’t make a scene, or play mind games. Just come as you are, take the person aside and speak to them quietly about the issue. Don’t spread the results of your talk to other people. That is just gossip. Resolve it and let by gones be by gones. You will be surprised how liberating it is to have an honest conversation and clear issues that are bothering you. It helps you to freely move forward.

3. Do not spread gossip. Decide that you will not be that person who spreads gossip. This may be a challenging task if this is all you tend to do with your friends but give it a try. Instead of always being the bearer of gossip, be the bearer of good news instead. Spread more good news and less bad news. If you do this constantly those around you will realise that it is useless to tell you any gossip because you will not participate, so they will stop bothering you with it. Be a restorer of relationships, instead of tearing people apart, find ways to bring people to get along.

4. Don’t just assume, ask: I have heard many people say ‘oh I don’t know I just assumed you wouldn’t want to talk to me or you wouldn’t want to go there’. Assumptions is the mother of all mess ups. Many times we misjudge people or situations because we have no idea what the truth is, we just go by what other people say. How many times have you talked to someone you thought was hating on you only to realise they have nothing against you. How silly does it look then that you spent so much time thinking bad things about them when they are actually really friendly. If you are not sure what is going on just ask for clarification so that you know what the truth of the matter is.

5. What other people think about you is none of your business: I recently heard of this quote and I love it. What do you care what others think about you and what you are doing. You can never please everybody. Focus on developing yourself to be the best you and don’t fear what people will say. People always talk, but we all know talk is cheap so don’t waste your time on that, there are so many other things you would rather be doing like fulfilling your dreams, spending time with loved ones or making money.

6. Don’t sweat the samll stuff: Be easy going. There are many ways to skin a cat they say. Do not be a control freak because this causes a lot of unhappiness. I love this famous saying by Mahatma Gandhi which states, 'Find purpose, the means will follow'. Have a goal, but be open to the fact that the goal could be achieved in many different ways. I am sure by now you have come to realise that things usually work out great in unexpected ways. If something works then let it work. When you want to control every little detail of how your life runs you become narrow minded. When working with others, let them do what they are good at and even if their way may be different, if it gets the job done well then let them run with it.

7. Worry not: Drama results because we worry about what is going to happen to us, to our family, to our job, to our future. No one knows what will happen even if they worry about it day and night, the future is uncertain. Yes we prepare for it as best as we can but that is all we can do; prepare for it and hope for the best. What will actually transpire noone really knows. So, relax, live each day as it comes doing the best you can in that day and leaving the rest to God. Do not be tense about life. Relax and life will go a lot smoother than when you spend your days worrying about things you have no control over. When you keep a relaxed and hopeful attitude, life tends to fall into place in ways you never imagined possible.

Be enlightened and keep your life drama free.

Be Blessed,

with love…tafie

resolutions...again?

Happy new year to you all! I hope that this year will bring you love, joy and peace. It’s that time of the year again when many of us make New Year’s resolutions.

Have you ever noticed that New Year’s resolutions only last for a few weeks and we get back to the old swing of things and another year goes by and we haven’t achieved much? As I was reflecting on the year that just passed I figured out two reasons why we never truly experience change, a breakthrough or achieve what we hope for. We either live in the past or in the future and we forget that we only really have today to do something. And who can blame us really, I mean as human beings we are always told to focus on a bright future and work so hard to not repeat the past. We have fear of what was (past) and fear of what may be (future). As a result, all we do in the present is to live in fear. All our actions and reactions are then based on this fear and we find ourselves in a viscous circle that we cannot get out of. Life then becomes more of a struggle than the joy which it is meant to be.

On one hand we live in fear of the future. What if it will not work out? What if I will not achieve this and that? The “What ifs” then turn us into day dreamers. Many of us are just dreamers. If you do an experiment you will be surprised how much time of your day you spent day dreaming. Day dreaming of a better house, a better social life, a better car, a better job and the list is endless. Because of the fears we have daily of not being good enough, or not having achieved enough we tend to escape the present moment and spend days living in the future. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not taking anything away from planning, having goals and chasing your dreams. By all means have all of these things but while you plan and chase your goals remember that the only real moment you have is now. You have the present moment to use to make your dreams come true. Many opportunities are missed when you are so set on doing things in a particular way. Many successful people say when you have a dream, ask for what you want to achieve and then believe that you have received it. Worry not about how in the future this goal will be achieved because answers usually come in unexpected ways. Let’s look at an example, let’s say your goal is to earn $10 000 every month. Believe that you can achieve this but do not worry about how you will do it because the universe will grant you your request in ways you may not have ever imagined. You could either get one job that will pay you $10 000 every month, or you could come into a business that gives you a profit of $10 000 every month, or you could find many part-time jobs which in the end when you have collected all your money it will amount to $10 000 every month. If you are in fear of the future, you always want things to go the way you imagine them. So let’s say your idea to achieve this is to get one job that pays you $10 000 a month and you spend all your energy trying to land this job to no avail. All you seem to be finding are part time jobs. Maybe your answer is in the part time jobs. Opportunities are knocking on your door but because they are not dressed according to how you want them to be you miss them each and every time.

On the other hand many of us live in the past. We need to forget the past. What was done to you, how unfair it was, how it has messed your life up and how now you cannot go on because of this and that that happened. If you always ponder on the past you never break free from it. You will always be in pain. The pain of your past will then become your identity. Many of us cannot separate our true selves from the pain we have experienced before. We take the pain to define who we are and make it our identity, after all it is how people know us, either as that girl whose mom died, or that guy whose car was stolen, or that child who is an orphan, or that boy who was abused, or that lady who is depressed, or that man who is poor. We let people identify us according to the pain that we have experienced before. We place more importance on the pain of the past than breaking free from it and moving into who we really are. Yes, the events that happen to us are sad but if we truly want to embrace change and experience love, joy and peace, we need to let go of that pain as our identity. Say to yourself it is what it is but I am still alive, I will let go and live my life to the fullest. Do not measure yourself against the past because you will never move on. Do not say to yourself, oh in the past it happened in this way so I expect it to happen in the same way in the future. The past keeps us blind to opportunities that could make such huge wonderful differences in our lives. Always be alert to how opportunities come disguised in things we never imagined. Many say oh history repeats itself, but this statement is only true to those who are unconscious and focus only on the past as a point of reference. So they keep unconsciously asking for the same things to happen over and over again and get surprised when it happens. Yet, those who are alert, those who let go of past pain as an identity experience new things only because they dared to change the way they viewed their lives, as achievers as opposed to victims.

We need to aim to be present. When we are conscious we make good decisions because we can see how certain things are not serving us well or how great they are. Many people say do not worry. Such a simple sentence yet it is so hard to practice because we are not present. Worry and stress arise because we are either living too much in the past or in the future and are concerned about how things will turn out. Yet the only time that we truly have is now. Right now you can live your life to the fullest. Right now you can start to make your business grow. Right now you can choose to not be angry. Right now you can stop being a victim and realize you too are capable of doing many things. Right now you can stop waiting for someone else to be the first to apologize and you can bring about change in that relationship with a friend, or a parent or co-worker or whoever it is you are bearing a grudge with. Right now you can decide that it does not matter what happened in the past, it is gone and you are still here, you survived it and you can let it go and step into new things. Stop waiting for when you get a promotion, or when you are a parent, or when your children get out of the house, or when you finish your college degree to start living your best life. Do it now. Be who you are now and you will be surprised how your life will align you with those things that you are truly seeking because you give yourself space to experience who you really are.

Many things in life can be really challenging because there is always that uncertainty of what will be. At times you are not sure if you should move forward or backward. I was reminded of a scripture that encouraged me. Read Jeremiah 29:4 -11. God knows where you are, he is not surprised by the situation you are in right now. He knows exactly how you feel, what you fear and he is saying to you wherever you are, or whatever situation you find yourself to be in, be conscious of it, and be present. While you are waiting on your change, wherever you find yourself to be at a particular point in time, live your life to the fullest, so that you may increase and not diminish, and wish good things upon the city where you reside because if that city prospers, so will you. And hold on to the hope and promise of a better future for he knows the plans he has for each and every one of us. Plans to give you hope and not to harm you.

As you make new years resolutions remember to free yourself of the past, don’t make it your identity. You are not your past. Remember not to fear the future. What good does that do you to live in constant fear of what was or what may be. It robs you of present joy, peace and love that you could be experiencing if you choose to be present. Remember to make SMART goals meaning your goals should be specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time specific. Break them down into tasks that you can do daily or weekly knowing that you have today to achieve what you aim for. If you live presently every day, when 2011 draws to an end, you will be able to look back and say this is what I set out to do for this year and measure it against what you actually achieved.

Have a great start to the New Year and Be Blessed always.

wth love…tafie