no more drama

Many of you have heard of the word drama and you probably know someone who loves it. I like to call this kind of person a “drama mama” other popular phrases include ‘drama queen’, or ‘drama daddy’. Usually they are exciting people when all is going well but you would not want to be caught on their wrong side should there be a problem because they will take you down. Contrary to popular belief, drama actually exists in a lot of people and many of us are unaware that we create a lot of it.

Drama is your ego trying to take you over by looking at a scenario as a win or lose situation. It is your ego saying you should always win. Or your ego telling you no one can speak to you like that. Have you ever heard people say, “oh I don’t know what happened, something just took over me and I just started shouting at that person. It felt like an out of body experience”. That right there is what drama is. Being totally taken over by your feelings or thoughts that you are no longer in control of them but they are in total control of you in a situation. Two things happen when this kind of scenario arises, you will either act, or you will not act. Drama is not always manifested as an outward action, or spoken words. In fact many times drama is manifested in silence or in withdrawal. Let’s explore some of the ways in which drama manifests.

1. Overreacting and inappropriate speech: This is the most common outlet for drama. Taking offense in a particular situation and escalating it by either demanding explanations or having a verbal argument or insulting other people.
2. Gossip: people tend to not address an issue head on, they tend to go through other people to say their views. This has destroyed so many relationships of all kinds across the world. The truth then gets lost somewhere in translation and what results is a lot of pain and misunderstandings.
3. Silent treatment: Women are known to be very good at this kind of drama. When someone does something they consider “bad” instead of tallking about the issue, some decide to just keep quiet. What will really be happening at this time is that even though they do not say anything, their emotions are actually in control of them telling them to not say anything because that will get the other person wondering what to do next. It is actually a mind game. There is usually a lot of tension associated with this scenario because out of fear people tend to walk on egg shells around the angered party.
4. Self pity: feeling sorry for oneself is also another drama outlet. When people go through a difficult time, they tend to feel sorry for themselves. How often do you hear people tell you how sad a time they are facing, how they can’t even cope anymore because of the grievances caused to them by their boss, or parent, or friend, or partner, or children or workmate, or the past or the future.
5. Shrinking back/ withdrawing: When people go through pain, at times they shrink back into a shell. Naturally they could be of a lively personality but challenges will have them withdrawing from others. This again is the ego saying, maybe I will be noticed better if I just stay in the background and try to be invisible.

The ego is responsible for a lot of the drama we experience and it will disguise itself in whichever way is best. Drama robs us of a chance to show who we really are. In all instances, it does not leave us feeling good. Even if you get your way, you have this unsettling feeling that says, ‘it didn’t have to happen like that. That was not how you wanted to present yourself. You didn’t mean it like that, it was not the genuine you’. Drama is a waste of energy and it resides in fear and anything that is done out of fear misrepresents who we really are. Drama stops the real you from showing up in a given situation. It is like someone else is driving your car in the wrong direction and you are just a passenger.

Now that you know drama manifests in many different ways, most of which are unexpected, how then do you overcome it? Here's how you can start to dial down the craziness in your life and start to present yourself in the way you mean to:

1. The best way to overcome drama is to be conscious of the emotions that are rising within you. You can only be conscious if you are totally present in each moment as you go through life (see previous blog on how to be present). I am sure you have heard many people say ‘I felt anger rising inside of me’. Let’s analyze this sentence. ‘I’ is the real you and you can see every thought, or every emotion that rises within you. Which means that you have total control and you can choose to either let that anger keep rising, or you can decide not to be angry. The same goes for drawing back, “I just thought maybe I wasn’t good enough so I didn’t want to bother them and decided to just stay back. You can see this thought rising within you and therefore you have a choice to either shrink back or to just say look I am not going to fear, I am going to be myself.

2. True communication resolves drama. Talk about it with the person that is affecting you. Not in a ‘oh I am going to bring that person down’ sort of way but in a mature ‘I have a problem and we need to see how we can move forward’ way. Don’t make a scene, or play mind games. Just come as you are, take the person aside and speak to them quietly about the issue. Don’t spread the results of your talk to other people. That is just gossip. Resolve it and let by gones be by gones. You will be surprised how liberating it is to have an honest conversation and clear issues that are bothering you. It helps you to freely move forward.

3. Do not spread gossip. Decide that you will not be that person who spreads gossip. This may be a challenging task if this is all you tend to do with your friends but give it a try. Instead of always being the bearer of gossip, be the bearer of good news instead. Spread more good news and less bad news. If you do this constantly those around you will realise that it is useless to tell you any gossip because you will not participate, so they will stop bothering you with it. Be a restorer of relationships, instead of tearing people apart, find ways to bring people to get along.

4. Don’t just assume, ask: I have heard many people say ‘oh I don’t know I just assumed you wouldn’t want to talk to me or you wouldn’t want to go there’. Assumptions is the mother of all mess ups. Many times we misjudge people or situations because we have no idea what the truth is, we just go by what other people say. How many times have you talked to someone you thought was hating on you only to realise they have nothing against you. How silly does it look then that you spent so much time thinking bad things about them when they are actually really friendly. If you are not sure what is going on just ask for clarification so that you know what the truth of the matter is.

5. What other people think about you is none of your business: I recently heard of this quote and I love it. What do you care what others think about you and what you are doing. You can never please everybody. Focus on developing yourself to be the best you and don’t fear what people will say. People always talk, but we all know talk is cheap so don’t waste your time on that, there are so many other things you would rather be doing like fulfilling your dreams, spending time with loved ones or making money.

6. Don’t sweat the samll stuff: Be easy going. There are many ways to skin a cat they say. Do not be a control freak because this causes a lot of unhappiness. I love this famous saying by Mahatma Gandhi which states, 'Find purpose, the means will follow'. Have a goal, but be open to the fact that the goal could be achieved in many different ways. I am sure by now you have come to realise that things usually work out great in unexpected ways. If something works then let it work. When you want to control every little detail of how your life runs you become narrow minded. When working with others, let them do what they are good at and even if their way may be different, if it gets the job done well then let them run with it.

7. Worry not: Drama results because we worry about what is going to happen to us, to our family, to our job, to our future. No one knows what will happen even if they worry about it day and night, the future is uncertain. Yes we prepare for it as best as we can but that is all we can do; prepare for it and hope for the best. What will actually transpire noone really knows. So, relax, live each day as it comes doing the best you can in that day and leaving the rest to God. Do not be tense about life. Relax and life will go a lot smoother than when you spend your days worrying about things you have no control over. When you keep a relaxed and hopeful attitude, life tends to fall into place in ways you never imagined possible.

Be enlightened and keep your life drama free.

Be Blessed,

with love…tafie